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Akirai
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Name: Corbin
Country: United States
State: Kansas
Metro: Olathe
Gender: Male
Interests: Karate, Kickboxing, Writing stories, Watching and Making Movies, Playing computer and Video Games, Theatre
Expertise: Theatre-Acting
Occupation: Student
Industry: Major in Theatre and English,
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  PigeonT03d
Yahoo:  AkiraiEva03
Member Since:
12/3/2003
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| i've began to come to grips with something. i wonder if anyone else has experienced something like this. i've never heard of anyone talk about it.. but that doesn't mean much here or there.
have you ever believed something your entire life only to realize it might be ... flawed? mistaken? unreal? impossible?
my entire life i've had a strange and mysterious set of outlooks on girls, love, affection, and all that jazz. i've always been longing, yearning, since as long as i can possibly remember, for a girl to show physical affection towards me. i was a little boy playing with legos and action figures who'd lie in bed or sit around thinking about holding a girl's hand or going in for that first kiss. i thought all of that meant love. i thought once you had love you'd never let go.
eventually, i held the hands of more than a few girls. kissed more than a few lips. said "i love you" more than a few times more than i should've. eventually love became more of a necessity to me than food, drink, anything. i didn't care as long as i had a girl who could tell me i MEANT SOMETHING to her.
coming to grips with it all, that holding a hand isn't love, that first kiss isn't love... well that obviously came around. but then, recently, coming to grips with the possibility of when you've finally got love people will still let it go anyway is a hard thing to come to grips with. how is it possible for anyone to do that? how could you have love (human, imperfect, but still AMAZING) and just let it go for no reason? i just want to re-itterate: my entire life i have been dreaming of being in love. my entire life i have been dreaming of being the perfect boyfriend, husband--and not until recently--father. other dreams have come and gone, and still others remain... but nothing seems more important.
why is this a big deal? because everyone is telling me differently. everyone: my friends, my family, the world: they're all telling me to stop trying to settle down so early and go live. go live? what could possibly make me feel more alive than giving myself completely to a girl i love in the ultimate act of love? what could possibly make me feel more alive than being there when my first child (and all my children, God granted!) is/are born? what could possibly make me feel more alive than watching something that you created with your own flesh and blood grow up and mature and be happy? not all the acting parts in the world. not all the movie sets in the world. not all the exotic locations that've ever existed. not all the parties, the alcohol, the drugs, the friends, the video games: nothing, nothing could compare to those things for me.
and i know what some people are thinking: "well of course people want those things, too, but after they've gotten to experience all the other things in life that are enjoyable!" well not for me, i guess. i don't know why, i just want all those "settle down" things right now at 20 years old. what better time to start? i've quite literally never desired anything else as strongly. Never.
so where does a person like that go? does he hold strong to a belief as seemingly ridiculous (and proven wrong through personal experience) that love can and will endure through anything, no matter what comes its way? yeah it might be human love, but guess what? it's possible to love a person no matter what! i see it in this world all the time! look around you! i just don't think the "excuse" that it's "not perfect God love, it's human love so it's flawed" is logically a good argument. i think there are hundreds, thousands of people on this earth who would agree that human love can be flawed, but it can still endure, and just because a rough patch or some unforseen possibilities crop up that love endures and doesn't just skip out because you see other opportunities. unless, of course, the prospects of other opportunities seem more important to you than love. in that case, God help you and bless you and good luck.
(sorry, that last little bit was a micro-rant based off of ... certain conversations.)
maybe all of that is bull shit. maybe only some of it is. maybe i could keep that frame of mind, that i'll be the best damn boyfriend, husband, and father that i can be and with my love i will endure anything, but maybe that just shouldn't have to apply now. maybe a million other things, i just don't know. that's what i'm coming to grips with. i don't know anything anymore. not a damn thing.
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| as much as i'm afraid to speak it and as much as people are wary to admit it, i swear people are taking sides.
i guess that's what happens in relationships.
people become friends with each other. everyone has mutual friends.
then a relationship ends and you've got two separate beings that have never been separate before.
so what do people do?
well there's one person who screwed and one person who's fine.
the person who's fine is the one who did the breaking up. they've decided to move on in a different direction in their life and leave the other person in the dust, if only temporarily. they're the same they've always been and are seeking more happiness, which makes them a funner, more enjoyable person to be around.
the person who's screwed is the one who's head is still spinning and doesn't know what the fuck is going on, the one who was broken up with. everyone avoids that person because they're not like themselves at all. they're not at all like the person they used to be that everyone else may have liked.
the person who's head is still spinning needs some help.
he's been praying for help.
he really, really needs it.
he wonders who the help could be.
he wonders if it'll ever come.
i guess this is his opportunity for things.
things to change.
something was wrong, obviously.
if not in the world's eyes than in God's eyes.
maybe this is God's call for him to be a different person.
maybe he can be someone that people care about.
maybe he can be someone in someone else's eyes instead of just vaguely existing, like he does now.
very vaguely there.
maybe not.
maybe.
maybe not.
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| went canoing today on the Root River. i lost myself fairly well. it was good. i just sang "Johanna" in my head over and over and over... didn't hardly think about anything but rowing, keeping the canoo straight, making it up the river... finished The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis. what a great book. really, truly was. it's done something for me that i've been in before already, though... something i hate to do but i can't get out of... he had a fantastic description of heaven. so great, so hopeful... i'm almost crying just thinking about it now... but what that does to me.. i just want to be dead. just want to die, get it all over with. i don't feel ready at all, trust me: i'm not that naive and stupid. i'm not sitting around with my soul squeaky clean going "now that i'm perfect God should just take me now!" certainly not the case for many reasons. but i don't want to stay here. i don't. i hate it all. i hate everything. every person that hurts me, every obstacle in my way, every rock and tree and car and plane and building.. every dollar bill and every computer, every breath and heart beat. i can't stand it, it's not complete. nothing is complete. it's all just here while something amazing is going on somewhere outside of time. that's what we're here for, i guess. that's what heaven's for too, i guess. can't be happy here. we really can't. we can only clumsily try to imitate some happiness we'll eventually have. even the happiest shouldn't be stupid enough to look at their lives and say "nope, i'm doin' pretty good! this is true happiness right here!" (or maybe i'm just a jerk in a state of pain right now and can't help but despise all you happy people out there. sorry.) and yet, this is where i am in major trouble. this is where i should not be, i don't think. for many reasons, reasons you all know. but here's my reason, as selfish as it is. the people who want to live: those are the ones who die. the people that want to live for any reason, be it selfish or selflessness. the ones who end up staying around the most, they're the ones who want to die, but can't. my great grandma lay on her deathbed for weeks waiting to die. just waiting. it wouldn't come. eventually it did, but my goodness, she was in her 90's. i don't know. maybe it's all just foolishness in my head. maybe all of this is just a bunch of cry-baby whiney shit. well fine then. it probably is. i bet you're sitting there wishing you hadn't read all of that. sorry. | | |
| THINGS CORBIN HAS EXPERIENCED LATELY PRESENTS HEIMA 
I'll keep it brief. Like Sigur Ros? LOVE Sigur Ros? You'll enjoy this movie. Seen them live? Seen them live in Iceland? You probably won't be able to say yes to that last one, but you'll still like this, I think. I feel like I missed out big time by not seeing them live when I had the chance, but I have faith I'll see them some day. "Heima" means "to be home", and this documentary gives you a look at the band when they came home to Iceland after touring around the world to do free, unannounced concerts in random small towns and villages there. It gives you some insight to their music, their art, and the band members themselves. Fans are gonna dig it. I won't rate it 'cause I'm a fanboy, but it was a nice doc. Good music ;) and beautiful scenery to go with it. | | |
| THINGS CORBIN HAS EXPERIENCED LATELY PRESENTS THE PIANIST and IKIRU  
I just want to say starting off that these were both great films. The Pianist, starring Adrien Brodi, is a film about an extremely talented piano player who survives war torn Europe as the Nazis began to really do their worst. The thing I didn't know about this film before I watched it was that it was based off a true story. This was brought to my attention at the end of the film, but we'll get into that later... The movie had many shocking images as any WWII movie on this subject usually has. It brings up so many questions in my heart, personally: What would I do in the face of pure evil? What COULD I do? How can the sins of men such as these be justified in the eyes of God? How far can man stray from God's will? It made me look inside of my own heart and look at my own sin... But anyways, the main character himself, Wladyslaw Szpilman, overcame extreme amounts of difficulty to survive. He left behind his family, his friends; almost everyone that he knew to do it, many times getting lucky in surviving at all... But the end of the story leaves us with the glimmer of hope that in the face of pure evil, pure hate, mankind can still manage some sort of goodness. Some sort of kindness. It shows that we can push aside pride, idealism, and anything else for the sake of just recognizing that we're all human and all we have are each other. Nothing else is worth sacrificing that. One "issue" that I have about movies based off of true stories is that I'm never quite sure if, in the end, if I liked it, if it's out of obligation or genuine enjoyment. I mean, what am I supposed to say about it if it actually happened? Criticizing the film would be discrediting the event, it seems. Am I supposed to say that movies about the Holocaust are just Hollywood's sure-fire tear jerkers? It tears me up inside sometimes. However, upon deeper reflection of the movie in this case, it's message was great and it did a great job communicating what it needed to say. The movie was good, based off a true story or not, and THAT'S what takes it closer to "exceptional." Now, on to Ikiru. This movie is somewhat obscure. Tell you the truth until I watched it I'd never seen an old, 1950's, black and white Japanese movie... But I was not disappointed. I have not yet seen Life Is Beautiful but I can only imagine that this movie is a different culture's interpretation of the same idea. From what I hear about the movie (Yes, yes I know, I haven't seen it, I'll say it again, I'm sorry!) it and Ikiru parallel in their message of "Carpe Diem." I'm not a huge Carpe Diem guy all the time. However, slap a Japanese sticker on something for me, and I'll pretty much be warmed up to it already. Anyone who knows me well can attest to that ;). And so it went with Ikiru. Take a Japanese bureaucrat who works for civil services in the 50's and what do you get? Watanabe, an old, boring, and, coincidentally, dying stereotype of a man. Upon discovering he has stomach cancer his life begins to change. Not, however, in the American movie sense, which is why this movie was so refreshing! The movie took it's time developing Watanabe from point A to point B to point C and so on. He didn't just say "Hey, I should live my life 'cause I'll be dead soon, so doggonit that's what I'm going to do!" for two reasons: 1 because it would be extremely uncharacteristic for a Japanese bureaucrat to say "doggonit" and 2 because the culture there is just so different. They're just not so rash like Americans are. They think about things before doing them. Life decisions take time to contemplate. Watanabe had a lot to ponder in his last days until he eventually came to the conclusion that life is about the will to live. His death, however, was not the end to the movie. It was like a new beginning. The cinematography and pace of this movie isn't anything special. It's old, and it's Japanese. When it's old we can automatically rule out that it's faced paced with a ton of angle switches, special effects, etc. When it's Japanese we can automatically say it's going to run a little slow. Both of which are true for this film: however, none of that bothered me when I watched it, and it still doesn't bother me. Ikiru was just plain good. It had a great story, it was uplifting, it was character driven. Fans of old films should find time to appreciate this film. I don't really feel like "rating" either of these movies, but I would recommend both. Thanks for reading and have yerself a nice day. | | |
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